The Question of Death

I had to write my “brother’s” eulogy today. It gave me both a headache and a weird sense of peace. It is a feeling I don’t recommend but I do want to talk about it- I guess I mean blog about it.

My “brother” grew up across the street from me; we were not brothers
by blood, we were brothers by choice and in Christ. We were from different backgrounds, even different races but couldn’t have been closer. As we grew older, he headed to the West coast and went to California State Northridge. I went to make my way on this side of the world and we grew apart. Life went on as normal and months turned into years and years to a decade or more and the ‘brother” I knew and loved also slipped away. As a kid, he was a fun loving guy that I wanted to be just like. He was into acting and being funny - the life of the party! So I studied acting and worked on my timing so I could be just as funny as my older
“brother” I remember him being at least 10 feet tall -he was really only about
5’10’’! This “brother” of mine slipped away figuratively and literally. The
cancer ate away at him and he turned to things that I would have never thought
he would and kept secrets from me. He was both HIV positive and had lung
cancer. He also kept his personal life that way. I can’t think of anything I
would have cared less about. My “brother” was only 49 years old when he died.

And I don’t think I ever really knew him. I am using this blog to vent some
feelings and to share this story and maybe to jump start some conversation
about death and dying.

Dear readers, tell your loved ones you love them; tell them when they make you proud; tell them when they are good at something. A common thought is that my spouse, my brother my sister, my child knows that I love them and that they are good and make me proud. But I tell you this that whether they know it or not they need to hear it; they must hear it! This will speak into their soul; it will increase them in ways you could never imagine. His life choices didn’t affect how I felt about him; keeping secrets hurt me though. But I think they hurt him worse. I think they
ate away his soul, his life of the party personality. He became old and mean,
he stayed home and when that didn’t work he ran away. He tried to out run his
destiny. These secrets wore him down. Only 3.5 months of being on the lam from
his real life and God called him home. The diseases took him way too soon but I
think the lies are what really did him in.  I never would judge him but I feel like he
didn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth.

This is the next point I would love to make is that keeping secrets is a cancer in and of itself. It eats away at not only the person but at the relationships of the ones being kept in the dark. Now that most of the secrets are out in the open, all the
pieces have fallen into place. The feelings that kept me at bay make sense. The
“brother” I knew from childhood was lost long ago. The cancer and secrets took
him from me. But this is not the memory that I’m going to tell my children; I’m
going to tell them about the big “brother” I knew. That’s the man I know and
love.

But as a parting thought I know that my “brother” is still my brother and he found his way to Christ and I know that I will see him again.

I do take refuge in the Lord and comfort from some of my favorite Bible verses is (Philippians 1:21 (King James Version (KJV) “For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." 2 Timothy 4:7 "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.”

My intention was to both understand my feelings and to flush out the meaning of them but also to inspire you to tell your loved ones you love them and to be honest with them.  Life is way too short! Only 49 years for my friend, my chosen brother but not for you. Well at least not yet. You have time and the power to change your life and those around you.

Rest in peace, you will be missed until we meet again.